I received the following in an email from Mike Abu, who took the R Bar up on its weekly Monday night special of a shot and a haircut for ten bucks last night. Before he left for the bar, we discussed which terms he should use to describe to the bartender/stylist exactly what kind of haircut he wanted. We decided on “rock ‘n’ roll.” Apparently, this was the wrong adjective.

Sadly, in news unrelated to his haircut, Mike will no longer be sleeping on our floor after tomorrow. He is off on an adventure to Marfa, Texas, to find ghost lights and lithium hot springs, and then down the road to points further West.

From the email:

I hate rules

Rule 1. When you ask for a rock n roll haircut, you should first consider if you’re in a rock n roll town. That makes a difference (or so I’d like to believe).

Rule 2. Never accept some bullshit you don’t want, especially if you’re going for rock ‘n’ roll.

Rule 3. When your stylist tells you to just cut it yourself then, explain to her that you already did but promised you’d let her cut your hair before leaving town, and since you’re about to get in a van with some weird Australian medical student and some emotionally abused early twenties girl from Wyoming, you felt you might as well fulfill your promise, and by the way, where’s that shot?

Rule 4. Do not accept a haircut just cause you look cute—that’s not what you were going for.

Rule 5. Never give a fuck about anyone.

Rule 6. Give a fuck about somethings. Let your stylist know that parts of your head need to be shaven, that you need to look more radical, that you want cops to pull you over and immediately become suspicious.

Rule 7. Don’t seem so unhappy with your haircut that you get kicked out of the chair.

Rule 8. Do not give a fuck how long it’s gonna take, sit there pissed off and despondent in the corner until she has the time to fix your fucking hair.

Rule 9. Clean it up enough where you’re at least happy, then let the stylist buy you a drink and ask you questions. In other words, let her try again and give her a chance to know exactly why you’re so awesome.*

Rule 10. Allow her to go home with her boyfriend as you walk up the road and go through a clothing bin with a homeless guy.

Rule 11. Wear that shirt.

Rule 12. Email some girl you love even though you shouldn’t.

Rule 13. Never tell the truth, most people can’t seem to handle it.

Rule 14. Make some tea, take a shower, and pray to a god you don’t believe that the person looking back in the mirror doesn’t have as dumb as a haircut as you’re pretty sure you have.

*applicable only if you’re so awesome.